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My ex and I broke up a couple years ago, but despite a series of flings since, I'm still not over him. Is it crazy to try and get back together? First thing's first: There was a reason why you broke up — remember that.

About me

Congratulations are in order! Make-up sex, while amazing, does not a lasting partnership make. Can a relationship go back to normal after a breakup? Take it from me: there are a few things you should do to give your relationship the best possible shot.

Seek guidance

How do I know? In my then-girlfriend and I broke up after 10 stormy months. A year and a half after breaking up we were married and a little more than two years later we welcomed our daughter into the world. And it feels pretty good. Far from it. Even after my relationship experienced a renaissance beyond my wildest dreams I still think most people who break up for sound reasons should, well, stay that way.

The relationship had to end. Now, a week or a month later it feels like … it has to continue. The first question you must ask before you get back together is: should we even be together at all? If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse, call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline.

Breakups can be really, really, gut-wrenchingly hard. But most happen for a reason. My wife and I like to talk and one of our favorite topics is our own relationship. How many people do you know who break up, start sleeping together again discreetly, and then show up to your house party six weeks later like nothing happened? The second thing my wife and I did was get a counselor.

A counselor fulfills a few different functions. First, they can help you process the strong emotions around your break up. A good counselor or pastor can teach you skills to be better at your relationship, which is hugely empowering. Breakups almost always involve shattered trust.

No matter what else was going on at work or in life, if I said I would call her at 6 PM, I made it happen. Pick a few simple, do-able, daily acts that you can use to start rebuilding trust and do them religiously. Bigger, deeper things will follow. In our first attempt, I was so obsessed with the rightness — and righteousness — of my own positions that I lost sight of an essential truth: you have to set the partnership up for success, not yourself.

On the second try, we tried really hard to communicate, understand, and negotiate rather than score wins against one another.

'get your ex back' sites are big business

You may have said some pretty awful things about this person. Your friends and family supported you through the breakup. Ok, you got a counselor, started talking instead of fighting, and have rebuilt a considerable reserve of trust. Look, unless someone is truly awful or abusive, go for it … and be open to things not working out on the second try.

Some people — and I count myself in this group — need to experience losing something before they can appreciate it. The shortest breakup I know of lasted about 30 minutes.

Brother, i’ve been there

In college, two friends of mine had an argument, broke up, stormed off, and reunited before that episode of Shark Week was over. Other makeups may be years in the making. I asked my wife what advice she would give a couple just starting out again.

You and your partner must decide, together, if your breakup is a difficult chapter … or the final one.

It has the potential to be a funny, bittersweet story you tell friends over dinner in ten years time. He lives in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Reunited, and it feels so good Reunited 'cause we understood There's one perfect fit And, sugar, this one is it.

Learn to forgive

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The likelihood of happily forever after

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