Career come with job description, KPI and constant feedback from managers. Somehow, career is the easiest challenge for a Perfectionist. They are extremely responsible so they will work hard to meet all the deadlines. They are the first to be promoted, so they have great chances to become senior managers in their 30s. So yeah, finding love is not really their top priority.
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Throw in a throwaway culture of romantic stick-or-twist and Tinder swipes, and the prognosis is bleak, the search for perfection seemingly never-ending. Worryingly, perfectionism is on the rise, according to a study by Thomas Curran and Andrew P. Fear not, though.
Awareness is the first step in the journey of escaping high expectations. At the risk of simplifying, the concept of the perfect relationship contains three elements.
Placing high expectations on our own behavior is one thing; projecting them onto our partner is another. Projection reveals itself in a multitude of ways. In my experience, the biggest precursor is blame.
Perfectionist traits usually prevent healthy relationship formation.
A few emotions guide us towards the where projection takes place. In particular, pay attention to frustration and disappointment; two traits linked to an intellectual expectation of the way things are. Or are your expectations the cause of unrest? Make adjustments where necessary. Many British people have an in-built tendency to avoid conflict.
Admittedly this is a slight generalization, but all of these traits share the same assumption: conflict is wrong. The truth is, conflict is healthy. Picture conflict as the meeting point of two separate points of view; as we are all unique, you can guarantee any person you meet will have views or approaches or desires which conflict with your own.
Unhealthy conflict arises when we become defensive, dig in our heels, and want to force our opinion on others or refuse to attempt to understand. Factor in passion and sex, and romance increases the likelihood of conflict.
These are the 5 ways perfectionism damages romantic relationships:
As long as you both commit to working on improving this skill, over time, the communication between the two of you will improve. In an earlier article on retaining independence in relationshipsI explained the difference between falling in love and true love. Yes, the honeymoon period is fun.
When we fully understand the honeymoon period, we can pre-empt a shift in the landscape. We can prepare ourselves to cultivate behaviours and support systems that express unconditional love towards our partner. Then, once the dizzying highs reduce, we find ourselves ready to build a relationship; not one of perfection, but one of authenticity and understanding.
Another trait of perfectionism and romance is the belief we must share interests with our partner. This particular trait has formed from the myth of romantic love, and the socially accepted and expected codependency.
Relationships essential re
In many ways, it serves us to have different interests from our partner. This can become a source of frustration and tension.
For example, spend a percentage of time on individual hobbies, but get creative and find interests to share together, offering the best of both worlds. Quite the opposite — by detecting the areas where high expectations are the problem, you highlight areas where problems are genuine problems which require working together to overcome.
In relationships, communication is key. Letting go of high expectations creates breathing space, and room to discuss relationship dynamics from a liberated perspective. Opt for radical honesty and reflection — when noticing any of the above traits, name them.
5 ways perfectionism damages romantic relationships
Sharing in this way is a courageous leap into the realm of vulnerability. Vulnerability is a bridge builder. It forms authentic, raw connections and creates a relationship which might not be perfect, but is full of love, acceptance, and gratitude. Recent Articles.