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Deana

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Loving someone who hurts you may leave you feeling confused and unsure of what to do. While everyone is different, there are a few reasons why you may still love an abusive partner. Maybe the abusive behaviors you endure are evident, leaving physical marks that are hard to ignore. Perhaps they occur at a psychological level and tend to be subtle, which leaves you feeling unsure of whether they really count as abuse.

About me

It was not until after I left my narcissist ex-husband that I became aware of one of the most dangerous parts of the abuse cycle.

Looking back to when I was married to my ex-husband, I remember that each time I stood up to him or disagreed with him, he would follow a predictable cycle: he would berate me, withhold affection, gaslight and confuse me, and then sweetly win me back over.

After I ended the relationship, I found a trove of definitions that helped me make sense of what I had experienced.

“why do i love my abuser?”

And in the narcissist dictionary, I found the word hoovering. To put it simply, hoovering is when the abuser attempts to suck you back in. Appropriately named after the Hoover vacuum cleaner brand, hoovering abusers do whatever they can to trick, cajole, demand, or guilt us into going back to them. Abuse—whether physical or emotional —shows up in many different ways, and hoovering is no different. Below are some forms of hoovering. One typical way abusers try to reel you back in is with proclamations of love or excessive gift giving.

After a fight, flowers and chocolates might show up on your doorstep, or you might find a love letter in your mailbox.

What to do after an abusive partner breaks up with you

If you try to break off a relationship but the other person refuses to acknowledge it, that is another form of hoovering and abuse. Recently, a man made newspaper headlines after vowing to play the piano until his ex of four months took him back. Just about every Disney movie ever made shows the pining man going to great lengths to get the girl back—and she always comes back. So yes, vowing to play the piano or stand outside a window or recite Shakespeare or go on a juice fast until your ex decides to not break up with you counts as hoovering.

Situations such as this are volatile, with potentially huge consequences.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline has good advice for this highly emotional and dangerous situation, and reminds us that when a partner threatens self-harm, he or she is not demonstrating love for you but a desire to control your actions. Sometimes abusers will use crocodile tears aka, fake tears and false promises of change to manipulate you into coming back.

In abusive relationships, the abuser makes promises to change to keep his or her partner tethered to the relationship, and rarely do the promises result in actual change.

I am happy now, why do i miss my ex?

Sometimes it takes distance to gain perspective, and that was never truer than when I was attempting to extricate myself from the grips of a narcissist. Implicit in this is the fact that my ex did not respect my decision to end our marriage or the boundaries I set postseparation.

He would contact me with unnecessary questions or for information that could be answered via Google. So beware the random and seemingly ridiculous excuses for contact.

Beware of hoovering

Imagine if teenagers and adults were given the tools and definitions to spot abusive behavior before being harmed by it. Please feel free to with any comments or questions. When it comes to romance, men can be a mess while women have to work har up with Facebook or Google. LOG IN. Image credit: Shutterstock. I had no idea the last part—the sweet part—had a name. Excessive gift giving or flattery One typical way abusers try to reel you back in is with proclamations of love or excessive gift giving.

We are here to tell you: it is possible, and you deserve better.

Ignoring requests to end the relationship or suspend communications If you try to break off a relationship but the other person refuses to acknowledge it, that is another form of hoovering and abuse. Crocodile tears Sometimes abusers will use crocodile tears aka, fake tears and false promises of change to manipulate you into coming back. Random excuses for contact Sometimes it takes distance to gain perspective, and that was never truer than when I was attempting to extricate myself from the grips of a narcissist.

Have you experienced hoovering? Do you have any more words of wisdom?

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‘i am still in love with my abusive ex-husband’

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